SMART ALEK
1993

SON: Fucking, wanking tossers
DAD: well if that boy would tidy up his room.. then at least you’d be able to find something…
MUM: oh leave him alone..leave him alone
DAD: he’s big enough and old enough to look after himself……
MUM: he’s got what he’s taking..
DAD: I told him…
MUM: anything he hasn’t  got stays behind….anything he doesn’t have that’s it…
DAD: ..if it’s not out on the landing in 10 minutes it’s not going….
MUM: well that’s all right then… that’s all right…he understands it… he’s got the message……..what do you think it’s like for me………. It’s not holiday for me…..
DAD: that’s just like you…isn’t it spoil it for everyone…
MUM: …it’s not spoiling for everybody…it’s making it better for everyone….
DAD: the kids…my mother…me I work hard all year…it’s our holiday..and you don’t want to go……..
MUM: what about me…what about me….you don’t ever care about me…I work hard the whole year and my holiday is just the same as being at home but more because I’ve got your mother with me….day in…day out…24 hours a day….with her hair in rollers and that bloody temper…no wonder your blood pressure’s always up…look at you…you’re going red now……it’s going it’s going…..
DAD: all right then I’ll take it downstairs….i’ll put it out with the rest of the stuff…
MUM: there’s another suitcase as well…
DAD: where’s the suitcase?
MUM: and there’s the bucket and spades….
DAD: the suitcases on the landing?…
MUM: I brought it down an hour ago….
GRAN:…..Taurus….a female friend or relative could make upsetting remarks towards you this week…….shops at centre of residents anger……jumble sale….saturday….poverest primary school…….
MUM: good god………make sure it goes in before the hair dryer and the dog food and the toilet rolls………….
DAD: we’re going to Jaywick, not the bloody north pole…..
GRAN: oooh my giddy aunt, Mrs Dixon’s been shot at with a gun….I can’t believe it …she used to come round and borrow our washing machine……….the murderous gang panicked and ran, leaving the 67 year old widow……..she told she was 62…..leaving her lying in a pool of blood….rotten devils…..the three raiders escaped empty handed…..one of the eviltrio is ……known to have a spider on his neck.

SMART ALEK:…Screaaaaaaams

DAD: I know you…I know you I married you…
MUM: ohh you do not know me…you think you know me…..
DAD: moan moan….whine whine….and then you have two children and you turn them against  MY mother……
MUM: I don’t turn them against your mother she turns them against herself……the way she goes on at that poor boy ……..JESUS CHRIST….SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH….SHUT UP…..JUST SHUT UP.

GRAN: ..come on children…we’re off to Jaywick sands….say bye bye Polly….say ….bye bye….bye bye….bye bye….

SON: Mum can you just tell her to shut up
DAUGHTER: mummy are nearly there.
GRAN: (sings) ooooh I do like to be beside the sea side…etc
DAD: I do know how to drive.

GRAN/DAUGHTER:…..tiddly pom pom pom…..(singing)
DAD: will you stop kicking my chair …put your feet back…
SON: why are we going to Jaywick?
GRAN: but Jaywick’s a very nice place
MUM: we always go to Jaywick
DAUGHTER: look there’s a Lassie dog
SON: exactly….so can’t we go somewhere different
MUM: no
SON: Dad can’t we go abroad?
DAD:   ooh yes we’ve all got the money to go abroad…yes it seems to be the new fad but what’s wrong with going somewhere nice in England.
SON: but all my friends go abroad…
DAD: all your friends…you haven’t got any friends….
SON: I’ve got more friends than you’ve ever had dad…
DAUGHTER: Mummy he’s got his knife mummy
SON: I’m not going to hurt you

GRAN: ooh look those cows look just like…….
SON: what’s that smell is that you
GRAN: I think it’s the fields…it’s farmer giles’s fields….it’s what they call muck spreading.
DAUGHTER:…mummy…mummy she’s going to get us a KNICKER BOCKER GLORY when we get there..
MUM: won’t that be nice.
DAUGHTER: yes
GRAN: you won’t forget to stop soon when I need to to go…will you?
DAUGHTER: granny needs to go
DAD: yes all right
GRAN: no not right now
DAUGHTER: granny needs the wee wee, granny needs the weee weee…

SNACK BAR MAN: so you know what do you want…..I mean if you wish ….I could do the whole lot for you….have a look at the prices and see what you’re ordering….ok….if you want the whole lot …the whole lot….i’ll do the whole lot….one French bread…..look like that I’ve got a menu down there…it’s either on the board…right or you’ve got one….a menu in front of you….it’s sausage sandwich…egg sandwich…burger and cheese…egg and bacon sandwich…….so you know…what do you want……if you want…I’ll do the whole lot for you…….burger sandwich …egg and bacon sandwich…so what do you want…if you wish I can do the whole lot for you……but have a look at the prices…see what you’re ordering.

DAUGHTER: move up
SON: I’m not moving up
DAUGHTER: mummy he won’t move up
GRAN:(sings) ooh I do like to be beside the seaside.
DAUGHTER: mummy he’s elbowing me
SON: will you shut up…..mum can you tell her get back….I can’t see
DAD: can’t you behave yourselves for 5 minutes
SON: TOSSER

DAD: can you keep an eye on them mum…..
GRAN: don’t swear…
DAUGHTER: he swore again
SON: fucking wanking tossers…..
DAUGHTER: he swore again daddy…..
SON: fucking wanking tossers
DAD: that’s it …YOU get out of the car….
SON: mum…what is he doing….help us…
DAD: go on YOU get out of the car…go on get out the car…I will not have swearing in my car…close the door.

MUM: look at you…pathetic little man…..you’re pathetic little bloke.
DAD: what do you mean…I told him…I will not have swearing in my car
MUM: you have to pick on that poor kid…make him cry…just because you can’t do it to anyone your own size…look at you…and that poor kid crying down the road…
DAD: what do you mean poor kid…
GRAN: coMe on son…a joke’s a joke…let’s go back and pick him up
MUM: you’ve been in that job for years and years….and you’re always passed over
DAD: you’re always contradicting me…you’re always contradicting whenever I tell the kids anything….
MUM: why the hell do you think we have to go on these bloody crappy holidays….
DAD: what’s it got to do with you any way…why don’t you just shut up….SHUT UP

 

GRAN: can’t you see that we need some help…young man we’ve had an accident….what can you do to help us…what can you do to get us going….???? That’s my son shoe…that can go in there…don’t take the stuff out….we’re putting it back…we’ve had this nasty spill…we’ve got to get going….we’re going on holiday to Jaywick….

SMART ALEK: yea?
GRAN: we always go to Jaywick.
S. ALEK: it’s shit there innit….
GRAN: ooh it’s a lovely place…. is Jaywick….we always go there …we like it very much….we all do…..
S. ALEK: looks like you’ve had a bit of a spill….doesn’t it,,,,,
GRAN: it’s these country lanes….they’re very dangerous you know…….aren’t you the lad that shot Mrs Dixon? It’s that tattoo on your neck…..don’t touch me….
S.ALEK: shut up
DAD(in background) get the police
MUM(in background) it’s all right…don’t cry
GRAN: what can you do to help us…
S.ALEK: get him out….get him out of my sight….get off that bike ….go on…after him
GRAN: Can you get it going?
DAD: get the police
GRAN: don’t worry he’ll be back soon….

GRAN: I never thought we’d bump into you
S.ALEK: stroke of luck…
GRAN: you’re a nice looking lad…you’re in the RAC are you? You’re very smart…you could do a lot better for yourself….you shouldn’t have to go around stealing from people you could have a proper job…..
S.ALEK: yea I never thought of that….get up go to work …save up…go on a nice family holiday….beak down…brilliant idea…stupid old bitch

BRA: what about your poor mother and father…?
S.ALEK: they are not poor….
GRAN: don’t you dare…

(coming across field)
SIDEKICK: leave it out will ya….

MUM: don’t touch us
S.ALEK: just get them out…take them over there….
SIDEKICK: just get them out of my sight….go on…
GRAN: don’t worry we’ll be off soon…
GRAN: look….enough’s enough young man…
S.ALEK: enough’s enough is it?
GRAN: me and my family are going on holiday see…and we’ve all got to be getting off soon…you can take whatever you want….but just leave us alone….
S.ALEK: leave you alone?? You made me stop…I didn’t want all this…
GRAN: you think you’re very smart and clever…but I think you’re just a big bully…a silly little boy…and I tell you something else you don’t know…
S.ALEK: what?
GRAN: you don’t frighten me…
S.ALEK: I don’t frighten you….I don’t frighten you do I   ?…feeling relaxed enjoying your nice family holiday….

S.ALEK: come on…cone on you spastic move it …..cone on you cripple….come on…..

S.ALEK: is it in second….is it in fucking second….fucking idiot put it in ….get out the fucking car….push it…push the fucking thing….go on…

END